Three principles of couple relationships

The most famous psychoanalytic couple therapist in Germany is Jörg Willi. Already in the 1970’s, this professor of psychiatry in Zurich wrote a book about his experience working with couples in his practice.

In what follows, I will outline some key psychoanalytic concepts of Jörg Willi that I also use in my practice for couple therapy. This text is meant to offer a framework that can be used in couple therapy to open up opportunities for a better and deeper understanding.

In this practical work, Jörg Willi identified three principles of a couple relationship:

  • The Demarcation Principle
  • Progressive and Regressive Defense Patterns
  • The Balance of Equality

So what is the first principle actually about? It assumes that both partners in a relationship at some point in time will ask themselves how close they want to be in their relationship. Couples do not only demarcate themselves from each other, sometimes being more distant and at other times closer, flying out of the nest and then returning, they also demarcate themselves from the outside world.

A prime example of how couples demarcate themselves from each other is the story of Daphnis and Cloe. If we have a look at their relationship from a continuum perspective, on the one hand, we can observe the melting of both lovers into each other and, on the other hand, there is the aspect of demarcation, which permits us to clearly see the extent to which their lives have merged together both romantically and otherwise. As far as the story of Daphnis and Cloe goes, they both had to defend their love from threats emanating from the outside world: friends, other rivals and external attacks.

The second principle deals with progressive and regressive patterns. Progressive here means being seemingly grown up, overcompensating and merely appearing to be an adult. Regressive in this context signifies being childish, immature and lacking independence. If we are to better understand couples, then a psychoanalytic perspective also means understanding the parallels of the couple relationship with early behavioral patterns of childhood. As Jörg Willi notes, “Intimate couple relationships offer a lot of regressive and progressive behavioral opportunities. No human relationship comes so close to an early childhood parent-child-intimacy like marriage” (Willi, 2019[1975]: 29). He goes on to argue that couples can be understood on another continuum: on the one hand, the longing for care, protection, feelings of security and dependency; on the other hand, the need for identity, stability, autonomy and maturity. Finding a balance between these two poles can often be problematic for a couple and even for an individual and can change in emphasis over time. In a healthy relationship, both partners can indulge in progressive and regressive states: sometimes one partner is caring for the other and at other times the roles are reversed. Difficulties, however, arise when one person tries to impose certain demands of maturity on their partner.

The third principle is the balance of equality. “In a happy relationship, both partners are positioned in a state of equivalence towards each other” (Willi, 2019[1975]: 34). No matter who is making more progress in their career, for instance, if both partners can manage to mutually acknowledge and appreciate each other’s contributions to their relationship and feel equally self-confident through their partnership, then both partners can experience the extremely fulfilling nature of a couple relationship.

This is meant to be a brief introduction to an understanding and analysis of couple relationships. Every  couple is very unique and this includes the ways in which both partners relate to each other. Couple therapy can thus facilitate a joint understanding of and reflection on what is unconsciously occurring.

Bibliography: Willi, Jörg (2019[1975]). Die Zweierbeziehung. Reinbek bei Hamburg, Rowohlt Verlag.

 

09/2020
Photo:Jean-Pierre Cortot: Daphnis und Chloe (gemeinfrei /Wikipedia)